my family

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This month was my mom’s birthday–her 90th. We had a memorable party attended by all her relatives and several friends that live nearby. Dan and I were the hosts, but Mom worked hard herself to prepare several of the items on the menu, and she came over early to help set up. Before all the guests arrived, Dan and I presented her with a gift in honor of this special birthday–a trip she’s always been hoping to take. Her response was pure delight:

“That’s what I like about life: wonderful things are always happening!”

That’s what I like about you too, Mom. You are a “wonderful thing” in my life!

A thunderstorm is passing overhead. A flash of lightning, mostly obscured by the trees is closely followed by a loud crack and a persistent roll of thunder. Amber, who the moment before had been sleeping by my side, is instantly alert. His head jerks up. His eyes are wide; his pupils, dark. His ears antenna in all directions. The sound passes. Amber rests his head on his paws again.

I suddenly understand that wherever we get this fear of lightning and thunder from, it’s very deep and very ancient.

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Recently, I put up a Web site about Dan’s and my trip to Turkey and Greece (http://www.songless.com/greece/). That site contains a (large) number of photographs, perhaps 150 of them, distilled down from the 650 or so that we took on the trip. By “we” in the previous sentence, what I mean is almost entirely “I”.

“There aren’t any photographs of you,” noted my friend Karen.

I too noticed the lack of pictures of me when I was editing the pictures, and believe me, I went through all 650 of them. What there was, was a lot of pictures showing the back of Dan in the forward distance just as he was about to vanish around some corner. There were also a lot of pictures showing streets and places empty of people where Dan had vanished around that corner just a moment or two before.

I spent many a happy hour in Turkey and Greece trailing behind Dan. We like the same kind of places and enjoy exploring them together (well, almost together) for hours on end. I explore with camera in hand, stopping to see if there is a picture in this place and if so to frame it and take it. I view places in two dimensions delineated by a frame. I have to stop and look. I have to stop and digest what I’m seeing and compose the shot to capture the essence of the place. I have to stand still to experience a place.

And Dan has to come back and get me when he’s gotten too far ahead of me and I get lost and don’t know where he went. Because Dan doesn’t experience places the way I do. He experiences places in glorious three dimensions by moving through them. He is restless. He wants to explore everything, map in hand, never pausing. Because for him, that’s the essence of the experience.

And here I thought we had both gone on the same vacation.

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Amber

Amber, in case anyone reading this doesn’t know, is a twenty-pound Maine coon cat who has been living with us since he was a six-ounce Maine coon kitten. Amber has fur the color of peaches and cream, and he loves to be brushed. In fact, next to eating, being brushed is Amber’s (distantly) second-most favorite activity.

Amber has worked hard to give the overall impression that he’s dumb. Really dumb. That he’d come off second best in an IQ test against a sack of his favorite cat kibble. And he’s generally pretty successful at this.

In fact, Amber’s overall success at appearing more stupid than any ambulatory organism could possibly be should have been my first clue. But I am only now beginning to suspect that he has my password memorized, and when I go off to sleep at night he sneaks into the kitchen, gets on the computer, and—he’s blogging!

Amber is actually famous on the Web for his advice on how to look your tiptop best. He doesn’t know much about fashion, but thousands of women all around the world follow his column for the latest word in skin- and hair-care products and techniques. They all think he’s a glamorous supermodel. They have no idea he’s a guy (well–of sorts), even less that he’s a cat.

He seems to be telling me now that if I don’t get off the computer and brush him, he’s going to change his will and cut me out of it. He’s going to leave his millions to… Gwenny. But I’m not worried. I know he has it all invested in cat-food futures.

Songs

I generally hate having a tune stuck in my head. There are some songs I can no longer even listen to because I know that if I listen to them, they will be stuck in my head for weeks afterwards, long after they turn from song to jingle to an advanced torture device best reserved for suspected terrorists.

But my mom has a different take on it. She has, it turns out, been humming the same song for at least the last quarter of a century. (The song, as it turns out, is “La Vie en Rose”.) “I love having this song in my head,” she told me. “This way, I never have to worry about what I’m going to hum.”

Hmmm. Oddly, I’ve never worried about that either. At least–not yet.

For Dan more than for me, telephone conversations catching up with loved ones seem to revolve around the theme of activities. “So… what have you been doing today?” “How’s your day going?” “What have you been up to?”

I sometimes find this a bit disconcerting–partially because it means that when we’ve finished recounting the activities of the day (or whatever period since we last talked), the conversation is over. Hey! Wait a minute! I wanted to talk about a movie I just saw, or about string theory, or doppelgangers, or whether the world is really going downhill or is that just a perception that comes of getting older.

But primarily I find this disconcerting because when I am the one at the other end of this conversation, I can seldom adequately remember everything I did. Sometimes I feel so… dumb in these conversations. “What did you do today?” “Er… I don’t really know. I can’t remember…”

Apparently, my mother has this problem, too. She has noticed Dan’s tendency to ask about her day’s activities, and this time she came prepared. She made a list. Here it is:

Friday July 13
Made bed & breakfast
AM 10:30 – 11:30 exercise
lunch
12:30 Van to Natick Mall
walked end to end
Shopped Sears (& bought)
…Lord & Taylor
…Macy’s
Returned 4:30
1/2 hr nap
Some desk work
Dinner
Relaxed

So… My Mom’s been pretty busy. Now, how about YOU? What did YOU do today? Oh, and hey: Do you think there might be whole other universes curled up in infinitesmally small gaps inside of this one?

Birthdays

Yesterday was my mother’s birthday. She was 88 years old. She came over to our house for dinner and over a preprandial glass of wine had some words of wisdom about birthdays:

“It’s so nice to have birthdays! The more birthdays you have, the longer you live.”

Many happy returns of the day, Mom!

After a late lunch at The Crab House in Jupiter, my mother and I walked to the end of the pier to watch the Manatee Queen dock and unload her passengers. She had just returned from a two-hour cruise viewing the homes of the rich and famous on Jupiter Island.

Mom and I had thought about going on that cruise, but she had listened the previous night to a garbled recorded message that seemed to suggest that the price was $24, which she found a bit unbelievable. I called the next morning to check the price. “It’s $24 for adults,” the man at the other end of the phone told me, “and $15 for children.” “What about seniors?” I queried. He replied, “They can come too.”

Hmmm. A comedian we have here. “And at what price can they come?” I persisted. “Darling,” he told me, “it’s the same price as anyone else. Almost all my passengers are seniors.”

Mom quickly and decisively dropped any plans for the boat ride. However, I was curious how many passengers they had for the price. The answer was: The small and rather uncomfortable-looking pontoon boat was crowded to the gills. Forty-eight people disembarked, none of them children. So the two-hour trip grossed a bit over $1,150. Subtract a couple of hours worth of gas at, say, ten knots maximum, and you get, oh, call it a thousand dollars? Times two trips per day. Much of it in cash from people arriving at the last minute just before departure. No expenses on food or even pillows for the benches. It seemed to me that this was a very lucrative business.

“Excuse me!” shouted my mother over the boat owner’s loud music. When he noticed someone seemed to be trying to talk with him, he turned the music off. “Do you also own the restaurant?” “No,” he said, “I just rent the dock from them.” “Why is the tour so expensive?” my mother asked. “This isn’t much of a boat you have here. The benches don’t even have backs.” He didn’t deign to reply. “Didn’t there used to be a bigger, better boat that did the same tour?” “Yes,” he said, “but they couldn’t make a go of it. They kept running aground.” “How about if you gave a one-hour tour for half the price” persisted my mother. (“I don’t know this woman,” I muttered to no one in particular. “Just met her on the dock two minutes ago.”) “Lady,” said the boat owner, “you don’t like anything do you? First you criticize me [this was not fair], then my boat, and now my prices. I don’t have to talk to you.” He turned the music back up, loud.

At this point a good-sized yacht approached the dock. A well-tanned fortyish man was at the helm, and his barefoot, blonde wife (probably) prepared to fasten lines upon arrival. Two young girls and an older couple were also aboard. Unfortunately, the man came in at too head-first an angle and too fast. He couldn’t slow down enough, nor make his turn completely. The boat hit the dock hard bow-first and then drifted back away. On the second approach, the woman was able to leap off the boat and pull it to a stop, cleating it to the dock fore and aft.

Catching the man’s eye, my mother said, “You didn’t do a very good job of that, did you?”

No kidding, Mom.

And just in case anyone is wondering, I was the invisible one melted under the floorboards.

My mother had a dream about a month ago that was so vivid she can’t get it off her mind. She mentioned it again to me today. She called me especially to tell me about it the day she had it, and her telling of it was so vivid that I can’t get it off my mind either. But for a different reason.

My mother is 87 years old. She has now lived longer than both her parents and all three of her older siblings. (Her younger sister is not yet 80.) She is in good health, lucid, and has more energy than most people her age. Looking at her, you would never guess that she is as old as she is, and, though I know this won’t go on forever, I like to think she has a good chance of breaking 100.

But about a month ago my mother had this dream. In the dream, she came upon a lot of people she didn’t know who had all gathered for some sort of celebration. Everyone was very happy. Mom asked what the occasion was, and they said it was the opening of a Howard Luggage store. Howard Luggage is the store that her father (dead now) started and passed on to my mother’s brother Sidney (dead now). Uncle Sidney built it up and intended to pass it on to my cousin Marvin, who would have been about ten years my senior, but he died maybe forty years ago under tragic circumstances. My cousin Steve now runs the store.

In the dream, my mother was happy to find out that the celebration had to do with this store that has been in the family for so long. She decided to go inside.

She went through the doorway.

It was at about this point in the story that I started crying. Fortunately, we were talking on the telephone, so I didn’t have to upset my mother’s happy mood, but I cried through the entire rest of the tale. To me, going through that doorway sounded a lot like dying. I tried to be glad that she saw it as a happy event.

Inside the store, my mother related, “Guess who I saw?” I thought, “Your father,” but I said, “Who?” “Your cousin Marvin!” my mother announced happily, “and I went right up to him and hugged him. He told me he was doing really well and was very happy.” My mother was very moved by this dream because she had never dreamed of Marvin before, not close up like this. Not touching. My mom woke from the dream feeling that it was more vivid than life, and she felt very happy about it.

I think that she was beginning to explore the new terrain on the other side of dying by contacting the people who had gone on ahead. I can’t get it out of my mind that, in this one dream at least, she has crossed over the threshold.

I am sitting in an armchair reading a chapter on the valuation of assets for federal estate and gift tax purposes–not the most gripping material. Gwenny the cat is sleeping on my lap. Her body heat along with the ambient heat level up here in my third-floor study on this 90+ degree day contributes to my overall drowsiness.

Into the quiet room a loud noise explodes. Not that loud, really; more like a definitive thud than an actual explosion. But it is sharp and sudden. It could have come from the attic–something falling or–being knocked over. Gwenny and I both startle, she (with her faster reflexes) a fraction of an instant before me. I am awake now. It wasn’t that frightening a noise. It could have been Elvie closing a door downstairs. I pet Gwenny with parental calmness to let her know all is well. Our animals, our children.

But with parental alertness, Gwenny isn’t taking any chances with our safety. She continues to watch the attic door–just in case.

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